Life
by Silverlight
Summary: The life of a ninja is never easy.


She makes her first kill when she's fourteen and pays with a month of nightmares. She wakes up with dark circles and no appetite; it makes her ill, but she grimly preserveres and slowly recovers. By the time she makes her second, twentieth, fifty seventh kill, she's become innured to death. She no longer retches at the sight of her kunai sticking out of a man's throat (he leered at her, she remembers), nor does she dream. She can't decide whether that makes her an extraordinary ninja or merely competent. 

She's sixteen when she loses her virginity for the first time. It wasn't very nice; a mess of flying elbows and legs, and she was left with sticky sheets and an unnameable ache. By the time she's had sex for the fourth, twentieth time, she's figured out what it is and has learned to satisfy it a little better though she never really forgives Kiba for that awkward first.

She's blinded by love when she's nineteen. She receives her seventh scar (Lee scolded her for carelessness), and misses her mark for the first time in ten years (Sasuke raised an eyebrow but refrained from commenting). She thinks that the birds are singing about love and that the sun shines only on him. He ignores her, however, and embraces death as a lover. It is not until she is twenty that she realizes that her tears (and infatuation) have finally halted.

At twenty three, she takes on a genin team. They love and adore her, the silly boys, and try their best to show their best moves without making it seem too much like showing off. She refrains from smiling and in three years, they are promoted to chuunin, and her heart aches when one of them never makes it to the jounin exam. She blames herself and tries to drown her sorrows in drink, and ends up going home with Kakashi (she rationalizes this by convincing herself that he is the only one that understands).

By the time she's turned thirty, she realizes how lucky she is to still be alive. Most of her peers have disappeared, either on long missions or prey to ill-luck. Naruto waves and smiles at her everyday during breakfast at the ramen stand (his smile is still sweet) but she notices the slump of his shoulders. It's not easy holding the sky, the world but Naruto smiles in a way that would've made Atlas twinge with guilt. She thanks Naruto for being Naruto and he blushes when she kisses him on the cheek. She's glad that he's still a boy at heart.

She falls in love for real at thirty two. It's perfect and priceless and he loves her too. They plan to get married and have children. But their tempers are imperfect, their personalities a little too strong; it ends in bitterness and she throws herself into work. They take care to avoid one another and when he finally does marry (she's thirty three by now), she puts aside her regret and gives him a toaster.

Shikamaru's death takes her hard. She's thirty seven and too old for this. He was a brilliant tactician and everyone's friend, and she mourns his death alongside Chouji. Shikaku's eyes remain brilliantly clear even though he has just watched his father crumble into ash. He's too young, she thinks; only twelve and barely a genin. He ignores all comfort and watches the pyre. She becomes a teacher soon after.

At fifty two, she's forced to retire. Her aching and weary body can no longer keep up with her students. She finds a perfect housemate in Shino: he cleans, he cooks and leaves her alone. They have an unspoken agreement and have never crossed the lines that courtesy has drawn for them so strongly. She spends her days in idleness; she's read the Come Come Paradise series three times already, and she visits the graves of her friends (Neji, Sasuke, Shikamaru, Kakashi, Gemna...the tombstones never end). She is unbelievably, shatteringly lucky to be alive still.

She dies six years later. She goes painlessly, just as she feared she would. She used to live for battle, for blood and now she dies an old lady in her bed. A moderate number of people show up for the memorial: her former genin team (there's only one left), some of her students, Rokudaime and the small number of friends she's had since childhood. They watch her body burn until it crumbles into grey ash.

First draft. January/February 2005.


End file.
